Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Reptile Dysfunction (F/M)

© Guyspencer 2011
“Reptile Dysfunction”

From Wikipedia: “In the winter of 2008, large numbers of feral iguanas in Florida dropped from the trees in which they lived, due to uncommonly cold nights causing them to go dormant, losing their grip on the tree branches. Though no specific numbers were provided by local wildlife officials, local media described the phenomenon as a "frozen iguana shower" in which dozens "littered" local bike paths. Upon the return of daytime warmth many (but not all) of the iguanas "woke up"…”


When Lynn and Joe first spotted a large colorful lizard near their neighborhood, they thought it was “neat” and “cute”.  A few years later then the reptiles (which they learned were Iguanas) multiplied and became pests, their attitude was far different.  Blimp, a three-foot-long Iguana, took up residence in their yard and defended it against all comers, including against Lynn and Joe themselves.   Living mostly in their sea grape tree, Blimp took great delight in eating plants from Lynn’s garden, and using the couple’s swimming pool as his private toilet.  Although they tried various methods to discourage Blimp, the couple gradually ceded their back yard to the unwelcome and persistent reptile.  Oh sure, they tried calling Animal Control, but they deal with domestic animals, not wild ones.

All this seemed to change in the cold winter of 2008 when Joe walked outside one cold morning to find Blimp lying dead under the tree.  Joe went running into the house to tell Lynn the good news.  In her practical feminine manner, Lynn asked “What are you planning to do with him?” 

“Don’t know” Joe replied after a moment’s thought, “I’ll figure it out after I come home from work.” 

Lynn bristled, “Oh no you won’t, I want that thing gone.  You go bury him behind the garage while I call your office to tell them you’ll be a few minutes late.”  Knowing better than to argue, Joe agreed.  He went outside to find a shovel and get to work.  

A remarkably short time later, Joe found Lynn in the laundry room.  After a kiss and a hug, he told her that Blimp was “taken care of” and he was on his way to work.

“You got him buried already?” Lynn asked in surprise.

“Err…yes” Joe replied, “You know how easy it is to dig in this Florida sand.”  Perhaps Lynn should have questioned him closer, but she was anxious to get back to her laundry.  Relieved and only slightly late, Joe went to work.

Lynn had several loads of laundry to do, so it was several hours before she finally grabbed the keys to her car and went off shopping.  By then, the sun was high and the day was pleasantly warm.

All was fine until two hours later when Lynn returned from her shopping trip with a bag of groceries in her hand.  Her path from the drive to the back door of the house took her by the trash cans.  She heard a thump.   

She stopped, with a puzzled frown on her face.

Then she heard it again…and again.

Quickly, she traced the noise to a trash can.  Remembering the time a neighborhood cat got trapped in their trash, she thoughtlessly worked the snug lid off the metal can.  Instantly, a 6-foot-long alligator sprang from the can and leaped at Lynn.   With visions of hundreds of sharp teeth in her head, poor Lynn screamed, dropped her groceries, and ran for her life.

When the “alligator” outdistanced her and headed for the tree, Lynn finally came to her senses.  It wasn’t a 6-foot gator; it was a 3-foot iguana!  Specifically, it was a newly, and very energetically resurrected Blimp. 

Forgetting her groceries, Lynn stumbled into the house and poured herself a stiff drink.  As her heart rate gradually returned to normal, Lynn recalled the unusually quick work that Joe had made of Blimp’s “internment”, and his assurance that the job had really been done.  She realized that Joe had merely ditched Blimp in the trash and fibbed to her about digging a hole.  In the warm can, Blimp had thawed and came back to life.  As she finished off her drink, Lynn’s thoughts turned to the couple’s “Spencer” spanking agreement.     

It wasn’t hard to find, it was framed on their bedroom wall.  Top among the “List of Causes” was “Any deliberate lie”.

From memory, she recalled Dorothy Spencer’s instructions; “If the husband is to be whipped, he is directed to go to his room and get ready for the punishment.  He must obey without a word of complaint and without uttering a word of argument.  He should undress, then stretch out full length on the bed, face-downwards.  He must wait in this position until his wife enters the room.”

She heard Joe’s car pull into the drive.  Moments later, he walked in the door and inquired about the scattered groceries.

(Ten minutes later)

Uncomprehending, Blimp could clearly hear the sounds of a bare-bottom whipping from his comfortable perch in the tree. 


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